Heartbreak for the Future

I am sometimes surprised by my reactions to things or events that happen in my life. Sometimes things don't bother me like I think they should, or I laugh at something I didn't expect to be funny. In the last couple of weeks I've been sorting through the physical remnants of my past...dolls my dad brought me from around the world, birthday cards, pictures, my old barbies. I've been on a mostly pleasant sentimental ride. It's really made me want to reconnect with people I've moved away from. And I even found stationary to do it on! I found all those memories I can't wait to share with my kids someday.

Have you ever had something you wanted to share with your kids someday? Some special toy or vacation spot or maybe just a memory? Something you loved so much when you were young you just could wait to share it? It made you feel special and everyone was interested in what you had for once. One of those things for is my pointe shoes from ballet.

Isn't she lovely? I always thought those dancers were so glamorous. So graceful and beautiful. I started ballet when I was in first grade. A year after I quit I regretted it. I even took a ballet class in college. As a child, I couldn't wait to get those point shoes to be a real ballerina. I had to wait until ballet 5, before I could get them. Our teacher made us wait until everyone was 10-years-old (it was a foot development thing). I remember my mom taking me to get my shoes. I remember the first class where our teacher showed us how to lace them up. I remember that recital. My little sister always wanted to try them on, and I never wanted to let her. In fact, every little girl who's seen them since then has wanted to try them on. Is there a girlier thing to pretend than ballerina? Even the most tomboy of all those little girls was drawn to those shoes.

Even though I am a bit of a pack rat, keeping those shoes wasn't like keeping old birthday cards or postcards. These had meaning. These have a destination. They will someday be dress-up clothes for my little girl (or my niece.) One day she'll come running in asking if she can wear my special shoes...well, not anymore!

We had stored my things in my parents garage. A few of the boxes were apparently, not sealed up very well and they had a little rodent visitor a couple of times. Yep, you see where this is going...my beautiful shoes are destroyed. One shoe is wearable, but the other, over half of the satin is missing and the toe block is damaged. It is the only thing in all the boxes that is flat out ruined. A few other things have a little damage, but nothing so extreme. There I was, sitting on the floor, holding what's left of my toe shoes, balling at 2am. I felt a little silly that I was so upset, but I was absolutly heartbroken. My hubby woke up to go to the bathroom and heard me. "Are you ok, babe?" ... ::sniff, sniff:: "I'm ok..." I didn't even really know how to explain why I was sad at the time. I even got emotional again telling my mom about it...and a little bit again now! I thought I was composed enough to write about this now.

Of all the crap I threw out in the last couple of weeks, I chose to keep the point shoes. I still can't bear to part with them, even though they are useless now. I don't know what the point of all this is. I just wanted to get it off my chest, I guess. It makes me sad, but I see the silliness in it at the same time. Something so seemingly minor just broke my heart. I guess I just wanted a little confirmation that I'm not so silly. Thanks for listening!